Name That Script: Bob Hoskins

Name That Script: Bob Hoskins

A challenge met by: Witney Seibold

Based on an idea by: Richard Ortiz and Artie Mora


Challenger: Richard Ortiz


The Actor: Bob Hoskins



The five films:


1)      Nixon


2)      Who Framed Roger Rabbit?


3)      Unleashed


4)      Spice World


5)      Super Mario Bros.


            Los Angeles, 1947. Toons live among us. Private Detective Eddie Valiant is barely sliding by, drinking most of his profits from his business. One day he is hired by a young political hopeful named Richard Nixon. This Nixon fellow has been raising a quintet of wicked English kung-fu fighters as his “attack dogs” down in Orange County. The quintet, he explains, have no personalities and kill without remorse. They each have a different flavor of fighting, a different “spice” if you will. This quintet, however, has gone missing in recent weeks, and he needs their strength to bully himself into the Republican party. He then begins to rant about China, but Eddie Valiant doesn’t listen.


            Valiant asks about town, and soon discovers a series of beatings taking place amidst the L.A. underworld, most of which involving the Toon crime lords. The odd thing is, when asked, the Toon crimes lords reveal that their attackers seemed like harmless tarty women who would sing and dance, then they’d get their asses kicked. Hm. Odder still, the beatings are mostly indiscriminate; all the bosses, even rivals, are being beaten.


            Valiant decides to head to ToonTown to investigate further. He hates ToonTown, but nothing doing. When he arrives, he finds ToonTown in chaos! There seems to be fungus growing on the buildings, and crime and bedlam everywhere. And not the usual bedlam, but a darker kind. He finds from the residents that the old mayor of ToonTown was beaten and supplanted by a new ruler people rarely see. He goes by the name of “Koopa.”


            Valiant goes to ToonTown’s city hall, now a large black edifice; corruption spreads fast here. He knows that this new mayor has something to do with the beatings. He finds himself lost in City Hall before long. He is busy eluding the guards, large lizard like beings who seem to be de-evolved humans. When rounding a corner, he’s caught.


            He’s dragged to a chamber where humans are de-evolved, and gets to witness the hideous process. Just as he’s about to be turned into a lizard, five very comely women appear and knock the crap out of the guards! He’s saved! These must be the kung-fu spice fighters he’s been seeking.


            He discovers that they’re more intelligent than described, and that they did indeed beat up and dispose of the old mayor of ToonTown, a benevolent king. They did this for their master, who used his de-evolution machine to turn the old mayor into fungus, which is why it grows everywhere. The light is shed. Valiant knows who this Koopa is. With the help of the Spice Fighters, Valiant makes his way to Koopa’s lair, and confronts him. Sure enough, it is none other than Richard Nixon! He was planning on using he powers of the Spice Fighters to bully his way into various offices, eventually leading to the presidency.


            The Spice Fighters, though, once free of him, found that life was not about corruption and power-seeking, and began to beat up corrupt criminals. With Valiant’s encouragement, the Spice Fighters intimidate Nixon out of office. They use the evolution machine to restore the old mayor, and return ToonTown to its former wacky glory. Nixon, although deposed, pays Valiant handsomely for his good detective work, and promises to use his own charm to seek office. Valiant moves in with the Spice Fighters, and they entertain him, are his strongarms from time to time, and his common-law wives.

Published in: on April 9, 2009 at 9:13 pm  Leave a Comment  

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