10,000 B.C.

10,000 B.C.

Film review by: Witney Seibold


Gotta do it quick, here. Gotta write my review of Roland Emmerich’s “10,000 B.C.” before I forget it; before it completely slips away from my memory. Before…

Michael Haneke’s “The Castle” is a turgid and disturbing adaptation of the novel by Franz Kafka, replete with all the Sisyphusian struggle and misplaced guilt oft penned by the hands of the master. Haneke, with great films like “The Piano Teacher” and “Caché” has a knack for wringing guilt out of the commonest of bourgeois human existence, so for him to adapt Kafka seemed natural.

Oh, wait. Sorry. Got off-topic there. “10,000 B.C.” That’s where I left off. Letsee. “10,000 B.C.” huh? Well, it follows a bunch of caveman in, well, I’m guessing 10,000 B.C. These cavemen take turns holding a big white spear. Whoever holds the spear is King of the Hunters or something. And they get to bone any chick they want when they have it. The main caveman is D’leh (Steven Strait). The caveman chief is Tic’Tic With Butter (Cliff Curtis). The caveboy sidekick is Nakudu (Joel Virgil). The caveman chick is Camilla Belle with blue contact lenses.

Y’know I saw that episode of “Star Trek: The Next Generation” today with the world ruled entirely by women. Rodenberry himself co-wrote the screenplay, so the idyllic hippie undertones of free love and free sex are everywhere. It’s amazing how much of that crap Roddenberry was able to slip into his “Trek” shows, even when the free love era was over.

Sorry. I digress again. “10,000 B.C.” stay on target. Try to get through this. So some bad cavemen, complete with shaved heads (evidently they had razors in 10,000 B.C.), dark eye makeup (evidently they had mascara in 10,000 B.C.) and digitally lowered voices (evidently there was a Skywalker Sound Studio in 10,000 B.C.), kidnap the caveman chick and a bunch of the main caveman’s buddies. They have to go on a quest for fire… I mean a quest to save them from slavery.

“Quest for Fire” was awesome. Did you know Anthony Burgess helped write the spoken languages of the cavemen for that movie?

Sorry. Back again. So there’s like, a faceoff with giant ostrich monsters, and, like a bunch of other tribes along the way our heroes team up with, so by the time they get to Giza where they pyramids are being built (they have domesticated mammoths in Giza!), they have an army of spear guys. And then the Enterprise swooped in and picked up K and flew him over the pyramids to the Castle at the center of town. But the film ends before we get to see what K found in The Castle.

There’s some up-with-secularism stuff when the head caveman guy spears the head EVIL holyman, but then there’s a Christ-like resurrection scene. The film was shot in South Africa, even though the night sky is in the northern hemisphere.

Y’know what was really good? Those Bosc pears I got from the Co-Op. They were perfectly ripe, and really tasty. I think I’m gonna have another one of those before I head off to work. We have “Girls Rock!” there tonight. I hope it’s busy enough to be interesting. Tyne Daly came by the other day. It was pretty neat.

Oh, sorry. What was I talking about? Whatever it was, I’ve forgotten.

In conclusion, “Stargate” was pretty crappy.

Published in: on March 13, 2008 at 9:42 pm  Leave a Comment  

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