Name That Script: Richard O’Brien
A challenge met by: Witney Seibold, Based on an idea by Richard Ortiz and Artie Mora
The rules to “Name That Script”: The challenger thinks of an actor, preferably a prolific one who has been involved in a variety of odd projects, and lists five of their films. The player (usually me), then has to think of a single movie plot to incorporate elements and plotlines and characters from all five movies.
The challenger: Richard Ortiz
The actor: Richard O’Brien
The five films:
“The Rocky Horror Picture Show”
“Dungeons & Dragons”
Ming the Merciless, to relieve his boredom, is bombarding Earth with meteorites. Cities are falling, and people are dying by the thousands.
While in the middle of preparations for their new world tour, The Spice Girls come under attack. Their venue is destroyed, but all five of them are able to flee in a tour bus. They are able to escape the attack… for now. They drive and drive and eventually get lost in the rainy night. Just then, they get a flat tire. Their driver (played by Richard E. Grant) demands they go to the nearby castle where they must ask for assistance.
The castle, it turns out, is hosting a convention for Transylvanians, a species of party-loving, hedonistic aliens who sing and dance and cross-dress to their hearts’ content. The leader of the Transylvanians, a cross dressing wizard named Dr. Profion (Jeremy Irons) has also been planning to use the power of Ming’s attack to unleash his creation: Rocky Horror, a studly sex slave.
The Spice girls love the plan, and are thankful for the distraction from Ming’s attack. They are also very find of the studly Rocky, and fawn over him, and bicker over him a lot. The driver, meanwhile, has been wandering the Transylvanian castle alone, and discovers in the dark recesses of the basement, some of Dr. Profion’s past experiments, including a beefy guy in leather, a gangly lazy-eyed fellow, and a large reptile creature.
Just as the party beings to swing again upstairs, Ming’s meteorites reach the castle. The earth shakes, people scream and duck for cover. Dr. Profion knows exactly what’s going on, and goes to the basement to thaw his other experiment. He gets on the back of his large reptile, and emerges from the castle. It is a dragon. He uses the dragon’s magical dragon powers (dragons have that, right?) to fly, in a few moments, to Ming’s lair on a distant planet. There, out of sight of everyone, the transvestite wizard confronts Ming. But, oh no! A twist! He demands that Ming spare his castle… as was planned. Dr. Profion has been in cahoots with Ming! Ming, too evil to stop his attack, and desperately wanting to destroy Dr. Profion’s possibly threatening experiments, throws Dr. Profion into his prison.
The Spice Girls scream and panic down below, and seem doomed. For some reason, the other Transyvanians continue to sing and dance, breaking out feather boas and fishnet stockings. During the pandemonium, The Spicer Girls’ driver approaches them and informs them of the doctor’s other experiments. They dance past the Transylvanians, and to the basement of the castle, where the release the two other frozen creations. One is Eddie, a large, rough-trade leather boy on a motorcycle. The other doesn’t remember his name, but, in moments of panic, discovers he can moves rocks and create doorways just by thinking about it.
When they see what kind of powers the gangly guy has, The Spice Girls hatch a plan. They will send him to confront Ming (as Dr. Profion was unsuccessful with his dragon), while the studly Rocky and Eddie draw the meteorite away from the castle.
Eddie and Rocky ride and run. Ming, seeing that Dr. Profion’s experiments are getting loose, starts to bombard them, saving the castle from fire. The gangly guy soars through the stars toward Ming. He still doesn’t know his name, but is able to distract Ming with his mental powers. He learns from Ming, during the battle, that he actually had his memory erased by Dr. Profion, as an experiment to see what sexual identity he would retain after starting from scratch, so to speak.
During the battle, Dr. Profion manages to slip from his prison cell, and find his dragon. The gangly guy and Dr. Profion attack Ming simultaneously, and Ming is finally defeated. Dr. Profion apologizes to the gangly guy for messing with his memory, and sexual identity. They both look back on Earth through Ming’s equipment, and see the Spice Girls are safe, and they’re all happily doing The Time Warp. The gangly guy uses his powers to lift the Transylvanian castle into the heavens to reunite Dr. Profion with his clan. They will lead a charge of peaceful hedonism across the galaxy. The Spice Girls, Rocky, and Eddie remain behind on Earth, and Eddie offers to begin writing 10-minute love ballads for them. Rocky become their chief dancer.
They sing “Super Heroes,” but with the lyrics altered to reflect a happier ending.